Predictable Stages of Expat Life

By Petra Moelker-Pronk

After a few happy months in Brunei, something unexpected happened: a Big Dip. I found myself at the bottom of a very deep pit that I had not anticipated at all. It took me some time to find out that there was nothing wrong with me. On the contrary: I was just going through the typical Expat Curve. Knowing that you are not alone in whatever feelings you have can be a great help. So let’s have a look at these curves! As humans, we like to think of ourselves as unique, but in many ways we are not. When faced with major changes in life, we all seem to experience more or less the same emotions. Since an international assignment is one of these big life events, there is a pretty predictable cycle of ups and downs that most expats go through. It doesn’t matter if it is your first assignment or you have been all over the world. Being in a new place means you are an absolute beginner, faced with new challenges and the need to adapt. It can affect you physically, emotionally and psychologically. There are roughly three stages people go through while moving abroad: Honeymoon, Culture Shock, and Adaptation. When displayed as a graphic model, you get a typical U-curve: high in the Honeymoon phase, low in the Culture Shock phase, and high again in the Adaptation phase.

U-curve
The U-curve of adjustment goes back to a study in 1955 by Lysgaard, who studied 198 Norwegian students who moved into a foreign community. The model became popular quite quickly in the field of adjustment theory, but it’s not without controversy. Critics state the model is too simplistic and prone to generalizations. There is some truth in that. Not every expat is going through these stages and certainly not in the same amount of time. But most of us do recognize the general pattern. Even if the model is not impeccable scientifically, it’s still valuable for helping us understand the daily realities of
living abroad and coping with it. Knowing what to expect and that you are in the emotional roller coaster together, can make you feel better and help you adjust more quickly.

Phase 1: Honeymoon
For most people, moving abroad begins as a big adventure. During the Honeymoon phase everything is new and exciting. You are very busy arranging housing, driver’s license, school for the kids, etc. The new culture seems exotic and enchanting. People are helping you and making you feel welcome. The sun is shining all day, there’s a swimming pool and you can do lots of sports. The overwhelming feeling is like being on holiday. This phase usually lasts for 3 months (the length of an extended vacation).

Phase 2: Culture shock
But somewhere along the line, reality sets in. This is not a holiday and you are not going home for a long time. This will be your home for the next couple of years. This is when the Culture Shock comes in. All of a sudden, the charming cultural differences are not so charming anymore. Nothing comes easy. Things that used to be simple, like going to the supermarket, take ages now because of the ever-changing set-up on the shelves. The funny little shops change into chaotic places with curiously illogical assortments of goods. Daily cooking turns into mission impossible because of old scrawny vegetables and
absent ‘must haves’. You start missing your friends and family, some particular food, your daily routine as a city girl (or boy) and the cultural code you have always relied on. Coming from a straightforward culture, it’s hard to grasp that a simple word like ‘yes’ can mean anything from yes (very seldom) to maybe (often) and plain no. Even the sunny climate is getting on your nerves. Chances are, all this is also affecting your relationship with your partner and/or children, who are probably going through their own expat curve. In this crisis you can feel homesick, lonely, unhappy, stressed or even depressed. Or you struggle with physical problems like headaches, nausea or lack of energy. It takes around 6 months to hit rock bottom.

Phase 3: Adaptation
The good thing about a serious dip is that you can only go in one direction: up! At some point you start to accept this new reality and decide you will just have to make the best of it. From that moment on, things are improving. You feel better adjusted and more integrated. You start to really enjoy time with your new friends and you develop a new daily routine. It is usually a quiet and productive phase in which you find yourself working on your goals. Just know it’s a road with ups and downs. Even when you are doing really well, you will have some occasional relapses, asking yourself ‘What the hell am I doing here?’ Don’t worry, that’s perfectly normal and usually will not last long.

Phase 4: Repatriation
When you think you have seen it all, be prepared for a nasty surprise: phase 4, Repatriation. This is an often-overlooked part of the international experience. Actually, this phase can be the hardest of all, because the place you called home all your life is not the same place you left. While you were away, your friends and family have moved on without you. And you yourself moved on without them. There is change all over the place, so it’s perfectly possible your home country kind of changed to a foreign country where you don’t fit in right away. So be prepared to go through the U-curve again.

What To Do?
Luckily, the U-curve is not something that you are destined to sit and suffer through. Although some level of Culture Shock is inevitable, there is a lot you can do to minimize it. The secret is not to wait for the dip but to work pro-actively and anticipate your needs.

Tips for Honeymoon Phase
Use your Honeymoon phase to lay a firm foundation for your time abroad.
– Get involved with the expat community. People who have been there are an invaluable source of information and can help you settle in. Some of these people will probably be your friends, so invest in the contacts and build a support system. You will need it!
– Start activities that you like. Continue your hobbies or find new ones.
– Set some long-term goals for your assignment. Ask yourself: what do I really want to do with my time here? What do I want to do, see, learn or accomplish? What does it take for me to look back on this period with pride and joy?
– Build a routine for yourself that will help you get through the day in a way that makes you happy and supports you in achieving your goals.
– Look for things that make you happy and relieve stress. It can be anything, from a massage to a nice bookshop or a walk on the beach.

Tips for Culture Shock Phase
– Remember: You are not alone! Now is the time to reach out to your friends. They probably have been there, so they know what you are going through. Sharing will help.
– Keep the lines of communication with your partner open. Leaving your job behind and suddenly being financially dependent can affect the balance within a relationship. Sharing your feelings and having an honest conversation is the best way to deal with it. Remember you are in this together. Being ‘the supportive one’ all the time is a recipe for disaster. Being a trailing spouse can be at least as challenging as being the working partner, so be honest about your insecurities and your needs.
– Stick to your routine and make sure you do your activities, even if you don’t feel like it. Some structure will help you get through difficult times.
– Indulge yourself by doing the things that make you happy.
– If you are really having a bad day, lean into it and keep telling yourself that it will pass. The more you resist it, the more it will develop into a real problem. But if you accept it, it will fade away more easily.

Tips for Adaptation Phase
– Although this is a quiet phase in which you find your way back to the light, it’s also a phase of ups and downs. If you prepare for the occasional backslide, it will not come as such a shock. Feeling terrible does not mean you are heading for another crisis. It just means you are having a bad day. No big deal. You had bad days back home too, so no need for alarm.
– If you experience another dip, don’t beat yourself up. Just accept it. The more you can see it as a normal part of your journey, the sooner it will pass.
– Months before you go back, you should prepare for your Repatriation. Just think of it as another adventure and do what you did when you came abroad. Read, reach out and take a leap of faith. You know by now that eventually you will land on your feet.

Outpost Seria Newsletter March-April 2020

This issue recaps major events including the Bird Race/Hornbill Hunt, the Grand Opening of Pusat Ehsan, Panas Eco Relay Race, Bollywood Night and more. There is also articles about the stages of life as an expat, Hello & Goodbye, Tamu time and a road trip through Malaysia. Take a few minutes and read through all the exciting updates and articles.