By Petra Moelker-Pronk

In many ways, moving abroad is a life changer. For spouses, one of the biggest challenges is to cope with the fact of not having a job. When your partner goes to work in the morning there lies a whole day ahead of you that is no longer automatically filled with work. Your known routine has disappeared. This raises the question: what do you do with your time?

For me that was a completely new question, because my life has always been dominated by work.

And I underestimated how drastic the loss of it can be. In the beginning there was no problem, since it felt like a holiday. But after a while, not working started to feel pretty uncomfortable. 

Suddenly I was no longer Petra, but “the wife of Mr. Moelker…”

No longer a journalist, but “unemployed…”

No longer financially independent, but officially “dependent…”

It felt like I had lost my identity. Who was I without my job? Although I was busy all day, everything I did seemed to be completely meaningless. On top of that, the loss of my income also harmed my self-confidence. Not contributing to the household made me feel useless.

I now know that I am not the only one struggling with this. Many partners have difficulty leaving their jobs behind. It’s quite logical, because work is much more than just a way to make money. It offers a daily routine, structure, pleasure, pride, self-confidence, social contacts, purpose and meaning.

There are people who no longer want their partner to ask “what did you do today?” because they feel they have done nothing. That is fairly intense, because you probably will spend a few years of your life here… 

For me, change started with awareness. Awareness of my own position, which led to its revaluation. Supporting your partner and ensuring that everything runs smoothly at home is not nothing. Without your support, your partner would not be able to do his or her job.

So, you are in this together! Realizing that helped me regain my confidence and made me see I did have a choice. 

Life is not something that “happens” to you but something that you can actively shape – also here in Brunei. Perhaps especially here in Brunei, because here we have something special in abundance: time. That’s a tremendous gift. A rare opportunity to do something you are really passionate about or have dreamt about for a long time. All you need is to ask yourself a simple but fundamental question: “What do I want?”. What does it take to ensure that one day you will look back on your time in Brunei with satisfaction? Or, in the larger perspective, on your life?

Maybe you want to pursue a new hobby, take a work-related course or start your own business.

Maybe you dream of developing your creative side or your social skills.

Whatever the answer is, it’s all about doing something that is valuable to you.

Don’t listen to the little voices in your head that tell you:

“I can’t do that…”

“It is far too difficult to organize…”

“I can’t combine studying with caring for the kids…”

“I’m too old for that…”

We are not defined by our work or the work of our partner, by children, by an international move or by past choices. There’s only one person who holds the key to your future and can allow you to grow and develop: you! When it comes to purpose and meaning, the most important thing you can do is take your deepest wishes deadly seriously. So, take a leap of faith and ask yourself “How can I make my time in Brunei matter?” – and then go for it! 

By Petra Moelker-Pronk

Some milestones are easily overlooked. Like one year in Brunei… Because there’s no need to check my agenda here, I have completely lost track of time. But this summer it was actually a year ago that we traveled to the other side of the world.

Looking back, I am amazed at how fast time has own by. It seems so recently that we arrived in our temporary accommodation in KB Sentral, entering a whole new world. Endless days in the spacious, yet empty apartment. The short breaks (yay!!!) for arranging visa, driver’s license and a proper house. Then again: entering the silence. The absence of any structure, whatsoever. Getting used to an existence in which Jalan Pretty is the center of the world and buying a light bulb or shower curtain is a serious expedition that can easily take up your morning. The strange experience of time passing by quite quickly, while you feel you are doing absolutely nothing. By the time we moved out of KB Sentral

I found myself in a Zen-like state, wondering why I ever thought I needed anything apart from the bare necessities in this apartment….

The next phase (entering “ordinary life”) was all about discomfort. Big time! The inconvenience of an empty agenda, the absence of a reason to get out of bed in the morning, being able to read a book during the day, not paying my own bills anymore and even a notification on Wim’s phone whenever I withdraw money from the bank. Quite an uncomfortable experience when you were used to taking care of yourself all of your life. That raised some big questions like: who am I without my work? And how does being officially being “dependent” affect our marriage? Questions that I was totally unprepared for.

By now I also have to face the fact that there are things I will never get used to. The heat doesn’t get more bearable – not even a little bit. Going outside remains a daily challenge and a serious limitation.

Being an expat also means living with loss. I do miss a lot. Especially things that always seemed so small and obvious you hardly noticed them. Like modern city life. Trendy, industrial cafes and the joy of architecture. The endless choice of good restaurants. The fabulous skyline of Rotterdam. A moderate climate. Something seemingly simple like seasons. A row of tall, straight poplars in motionless clouds of morning mist. A walk along the beach on a windy day. A yellow carpet of autumn leaves in a deserted beech forest. Breathing in crisp air. The sight of playful foals next to our house. And above all: our children. For all of us, this Brunei adventure is a masterclass in letting go and growing up.

The good news is, living in this foreign country is a great adventure. Operating outside your comfort zone definitely is a highway in personal development. Over the last year I’ve done a lot of things I never thought I could do or would dare. Driving on the left side. Playing golf between crocodile ponds. Walking the Borneo canopy. Writing articles in a foreign language and being okay with making mistakes. Taking a plane all by myself. Giving help. Asking for it. Making friends. Not having to be liked by everyone. Adding to the community. Embracing the power of vulnerability. Exercising personal leadership. Telling the amah that I would like to make some new arrangements (reclaiming my house…). Saying no. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Living at a slower pace. Allowing myself to enjoy life.

At the time, I was not eager to leave the Netherlands, to say the least. Actually, my coming here involved a lot of kicking and screaming, since “adventure” is not exactly on my bucket list. But a lot has changed since then. Apparently, being an expat can be a life-changing experience. Somewhere along the line transformation set in. Far away from my home country and the people I love, I learned some important lessons about courage, resilience, self-esteem, friendship and trust.

When we moved to Brunei, I brought a card with a motivational quote on it as a reminder of what I wanted to achieve: “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. Here’s what I learned over the past year: it does! Moving to the other side of the world is quite a challenging journey, but it’s also an amazing one, since it’s a window of opportunity for personal growth. I would not have missed it for the world.